Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
