Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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