So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
