I want to have your abortion
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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