Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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