You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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