dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
