if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
