Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
