i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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