I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
