Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
