Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
