My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
