I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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