She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
