Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
