I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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