Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
