woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Never underestimate the power of titties
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
