I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
