i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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