I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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