So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
