maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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