This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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