her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wear drunk well.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
