My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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