Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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