I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
