apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
