ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
