I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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