I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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