Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
try to milk me bitch
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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