I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
