Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
These tits shall not be calmed
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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