she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
please come you make the beer taste better
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My ATM looks so different sober.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
