what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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