he wants to bone in the snuggie
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
where are my eyebrows?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
