OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
