Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
