is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
