omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
