Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
