youre lurking in front of me
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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