I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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