I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
