I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
