new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize