Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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