So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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