I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
