there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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