Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
