if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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