uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
