My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
