Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
