You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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