This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize